she was drowning but nobody saw her struggle...
Everyday I feel parts of myself getting better. You know the ones that are always so sad you can feel your heart breaking when you cry. Those parts are better. But the broken ones, the ones that I don't know if I can fix... those get the best of me most days. I am lucky enough where I don't wear those fears and feelings on the outside anymore. I can tell the medication I am on is helping with that. But that doesn't mean those thoughts still don't consume me every moment of every day.
Lately, I'm starting to question if I'm a good person or not. I don't feel like I am. I feel like I disappoint people often and eventually everyone leaves. I know in my heart of hearts that there are better people in this world than me, and people are better off without me. It's not the suicide thoughts anymore; its the isolation ones. I always had the biggest fear of being alone, but lately I find myself more at ease being alone. If I'm not around people or I'm not part of someone's life, I can't hurt them. In a way that is me projecting because honestly, in the back of my mind, I know I fear them hurting me or leaving me. Its a coping mechanism.
There are days, the really bad ones, where I want to run. Not run away but run into someone's arms and cry. I want to let someone else be my strength for even a minute while I let my walls down. It's incredibly hard having to be strong all the time, and being the one that has to have the answers or figure it out. I chose to disassociate myself from my mom, but I would be a liar if I said I don't wish she were here for that. When she had her good moments, and she was a real mom, that was something she was really good at. But I don't have that, and I don't even know if that was a ruse or not.
When I was younger I used to have really bad nightmares, and they even followed me into adulthood. I remember some so vividly and others not so much. All of them pretty much where the same though. Everyone left...and left me alone with the bad thing. I would try to stop them from leaving, try to scream, something to get them to notice they forgot me and I wasn't safe. But no matter how hard I tried, I was still left alone with the bad thing. What if those nightmares were premonitions of my future? What if it was my mind preparing me for the worst of the worst. Now... don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't have anyone. I have plenty of people in my life who love me and I know won't leave me. But its not the same as letting your guard down and having a moment of weakness. That is raw and real and scary.
I know this post may seem erratic and irrational but this is how my mind works. On a daily basis I have a fight within myself that I will never win. Its like have a devil and angel on your shoulder. But for me its two different mindsets fighting against one another.
Today was a bad day for me anxiety wise, nothing I could do would keep me calm for a long period of time. While writing this I cried, I cried real tears. Maybe this blog was the best choice of my life. I need to get my thoughts out before the consume me. I don't need anyone to make sense of them, because honestly... who can. I just need to speak my truth. I feel a weight has been lifted off of my mind and I may be able to get sleep tonight with little effort.
whomever takes the time to read these. Thank you. I appreciate you taking the journey into my crazy mind...