You carry so much LOVE in your heart. Give some to yourself.
Have you ever stopped and reflected on your life and during that reflection had mad some decisions? Did the decisions consist of stopping, doing less, or ending something in order to make yourself happier? During this reflection, did you ever consider instead of focusing on all negative energies you need to remove, focus on ADDING MORE to your life. If you add more positive in your life, and it fills your life, there is no more room for the negative. Or at least very little room.
I have decided the MORE I need to add into my life is LOVE for myself. Love how I am and who I will become.
Part of loving myself is making sure I get up every morning and do what I love, make myself feel the most beautiful I can. This means getting in the shower, playing with my makeup and doing my hair. This is time consuming but for me and very much worth it. When I put my makeup on I feel like I'm ready to face whatever the day brings. I imagine its what a person who enjoys working out feels like. A better, stronger version of myself. I document these moments by taking and posting waaayy too many selfies. It's not because I'm conceded or I want attention. For me it's documentation that I managed to concur my anxiety, and my demons. In a way it is also an affirmation. No matter how unworthy or insignificant I feel, when I see the pictures I think "wow, I'm beautiful".
That part of loving myself is something I'm used to, and is the easiest go to. However, the feeling is only temporary because makeup only lasts so long. The next day I have to do it all over again to get that feeling. I often fantasize about what it would be like to wake up and feel good about myself first thing. To feel the same way I do when I put myself together in the morning. This leads to so many more questions, and is part of the reason I can't sleep at night. What is it that I need to add to my life to make me feel that way? To make me wake up and love myself first thing... Do I need to look in the mirror and sight morning affirmations? Do I need to study and read books on how to learn to love myself again? There are so many questions and so many variables. When you take inventory and think about it, it really doesn't have to be so complex.
I tend to rush things and if its not perfect the first time I give up. I give up and forget why I even attempted to begin with. I have an example of a situation that happened recently. I bought a new straightener and was so excited to use it. I tend to get stuck in a video vortex. So, naive Brittany thought that she would easily be able to curl her hair with it the first time. I was very wrong and got frustrated quickly. I almost gave up and said to myself , "Im good at what Im good at and I shouldn't bother with anything new". Then I thought about it... Why do I have the skills I currently possess? Practice... lots of practice and trying new techniques. I was never perfect on the first try but I did it over and over again until I got it right. So what made this new technique any different? Nothing but the mind frame I was in.
I feel learning better ways to love myself is the same thing. I may not get it right the first try. Hell... I may get it right 3 days in a row and on the 4th end up in tears in front of the mirror cause I hate myself. But I need to start doing something. I made it a goal to add 3 habits into my life to learn to better love myself.
1.) Stop apologizing and making excuses for other people's actions towards me. I am not a victim. I am human. If I continue to apologize for everything I do or say then there is no confidence in who I am. There is a sense of self doubt. Moving forward I am going to stop apologizing and making excuses for other people. This is me. Take it or leave it. But wait... didn't I say I was going to add more to my life instead of taking something away. Right... So, instead of stopping a habit I am going to add one in the same aspect. I am going to start being confident in myself and my choices.
2.) I am going to be creative more often. Write, and paint. Put something together. This makes me feel good and positive about myself. Every time I write a blog and post it, even if its poorly written, I think "Hey... I did that!". When I paint a canvas and actually finish it I can't believe I did that. I want more feel good moments like that in my life and I deserve them.
3.) Be more active outside my home. Over the last year or so, I have been secluding myself and avoiding people. I allowed my anxiety and fears to over take my life. It soon became stronger than my own self will. I'm going to start saying yes to more invites, but ensure their are healthy boundaries still. Take myself on adventures and go to a movie or take myself to dinner.
Three simple things. All of which were very hard for me to decide. I had to decide if it was right for me, and if I was capable of doing it.
I don't need to start to loving other people less or different; I just need to learn to love myself as much if not more. I feel it's the only way I am going to heal from what I have been through.