You keep a lot to yourself because it's difficult to find people who understand.
I have been going through a lot of emotions lately. Which has lead me to believe that, although I am incredibly sad, I am healing.
Life just doesn't happen to me. More often than not I get the shit end of the stick because its a consequence of a choice I made. I own my actions, and I do know better. I am currently faced with a world of hardship. Stuff I have put off for too long has finally come to haunt me. And just as the cards are normally dealt.... everything is hitting all at once. On top of that I am trying to juggle emotional stress and healing from some past issues and lingering PTSD. Put it in a big ol' pot and you have one fucked up stew that is my mind. There are some days I want to blame the world for what is happening to me. "Why me!?". There are some days where I feel like a failure and there is no getting out of the hole I have dug; so I might as well give up. There are other days were I am hopeless, lost, and heart broken searching for guidance on how to fix what I have broken.
Right now, I feel like I'm stuck in the hopeless, lost and heart broken. I need to fix things. I need to come up with a plan. A plan that is going to need to include a lot of struggle and hard choices. Honestly, I really need a shoulder to cry on, arms to wrap around me to tell me it will be ok, and someone to tell me what I can do to fix it. Really, I need my mom. She was that person for me. She would always be able to tell when I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She always knew when I REALLY needed a hug. Unfortunately, I have had to set healthy boundaries and make the choice not to have my mother a part of my life. I'm starting to regret that choice out of pure selfishness. Because right now, that little bit of good she did for me is what I really need. The reality is though, it doesnt change anything and it doesn't mean I can allow a toxic relationship back into my life just because I am at a low. Just because I had to make this choice doesnt make her any less my mother, or make it not hurt.
I have to learn something new... I have to learn to deal with it on my own. I have to figure it out, and find places of support that almost feel like some of those pieces of her are still around. Digging up the strength I know I have in me, and my driven mind set isn't easy. That woman allowed herself to be buried under her anxiety and depression. Resurrecting that woman I once was has been incredibly difficult.
Brittany, you have always been fearful of the unknown. Hesitant of taking a leap because of the possible outcome. But you never let that fear get in the way of jumping. Did you have anxiety, and doubts? Absolutely! The inner voice cheering you on was always louder than those fears. Somehow... no matter what you faced, you over came what you were going through. Not only did you achieve your goals but there was always added rewards.
You were working at the daycare full time and took on a 2nd job at subway to afford the new used car you just bought. Your first big girl car payment. 2 months after working at subway, you decided to quit your job at the daycare and go back to school. Shortly after quitting the daycare, you were faced with a choice as you were offered a management position at subway. YOU. After 3 months of working there. You decided to take the opportunity as the opportunities and benefits that came with it seems so great at the time. After 6 months of working for Subway, and 3 months of managing you were offered a position at another store. One that was on the verge of being shut down due to failed inspections. You took that store and you turned it around. Made it into what it could be. You continued to bust your ass, working 60-80 hours a week, and were offered a position as a general manager after a little over a year of working there. In the short time there you had advanced and accomplished so much. You had so much potential. Although the position felt like a great accomplishment, it didn't offer you the money you were looking for and you continued to work too many hours. You were tired. You needed to find your way out. Somehow, an opportunity opened up for a position to be an office manager for an internal medicine doctors office. So you quit subway and went there, never having experience in that field before. You NAILED it. You learned how to do just about everything. Run the office clinical and clerical, since it was just you and the doctors. However, this job didnt pay enough money and you were evicted from your apartment. So you decided, to get back on your feet you would go BACK to subway. It was easy because the shifts were opposite. Then all of a sudden you found yourself working two full time jobs to try and get back ahead. 9am-5pm doctors office, get to where you were staying and hopefully fall asleep by 6. Wake up and work subway from 10pm-6am. Go back to where you were staying, take a two hour nap, quick shower, throw on scrubs and then back to the office. You were tired and needed a different opportunity. Something with benefits. So you decided to quit the doctors office; with no other job lined up. You knew you needed to find something more. Luck behold, the person you were training to take your place told you about a place she came from called "Five Brothers". When she spoke about the job, the money and the benefits you decided "why not" and applied. You got the job!!! Now you have your very own big girl health insurance you are paying for, you are making good money, and it seems there is potential within the company. During the call you were told you are working in the Grass department, but you heard graph. That would just be silly if they had a grass department. Nope, they were right. Your training was a learn as you go kind of deal, but you nailed it. In fact, you did so well that after the grass season ended they asked you to be the official "trainer" and write a new manual. You did it.. less than a year into the job and you were prompted. The following year after the beginning of the grass season, and after the group was trained, you decided it was time to seek out other opportunities within the company. There was a conflict of interest with some superiors and it was ideal if you removed yourself from the position. From there you were transferred to another department. The position was deemed the hardest in the company. Only the best of the best could do it and you were so excited to learn something new. You learned it. During the process a wonderful opportunity to be the trainers assistant presented itself and I snatched it up! This eventually lead me into becoming a trainer myself; as it was decided more than one was needed. I helped with training material and also assisted in making the system the company uses more user friendly, for faster processing. Unfortunately, due to where the economy is at right now, there were no more people to train. So, for the first time ever you had to do the job you were training others to do. You NAILED it. You have accomplished so much life wise and career wise over the last 13 years. (BTW can you put this stuff on a resume because DAMN)
I need this. Here. To read over and over again. To remind myself what I have faced before. Where I was and where I am now. Although I am facing yet another hard phase in my life, I need to remember my strength and tenacity. I've got this. Think, collect my thoughts and make a plan.
At 30 years of age, I never thought this is what my life would be. I would be lying too if I said I wasn't disappointed. It's hard to go from seeing a certain type of future for yourself, to re-imagining in real time. The life I live right now is by no means not good, it's just not what I thought it would be.
When I was younger I had an optimistic outlook on life and what my future had in store. I thought by the time I was 30 I would be in a different place in my life. Now... not necessarily better, but definitely different. I thought I would have been married by now, or at least engaged. In my mind it always played out that I would get married after having kids and doing things backwards. The guy I would be married too would know my past and be compassionate and understanding of it. He would be my partner, and make sure every day I knew I didn't have to live life alone. It was always somewhere in my mind that the person I was with would be just as imperfect as I was. But, with us being together we would love and support each other at being the best versions of ourselves. I wanted to grow with the person I spent the rest of my life with. There would have to be lots of laughter too. So much that my stomach would hurt and even when I wanted to cry all I would do is smile.
I would have been a young mom starting off having kids in my early 20s and they all be fairly close in age. So by the time 30 hit I would at least have them all potty trained. my kids would have his stubbornness and carefree attitude. The would have my heart and creativity. They would be raised to love animals and nature, and to enjoy the simple things in life.
I would have my own house in a quiet neighborhood. My house would be 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms with a porch, and a big back yard. There would be so many windows in the house that I would complain about having to cleaning them. Everything would be soft and inviting. When people would come over it would feel like home, and people would be over all the time. We would host BBQs and dinner parties. Friends would bring their kids over to play with our kids. There would be holidays at the house were I would be stressed out for agreeing to host and sweat from cooking. But at the end of the day feel really grateful that I have an amazing family. I had even pictured my siblings and parents being in this picture.
Although I am a hard worker, I never imagined myself as a "career" woman. My life would matter more than my job. And I would make just enough money where we would maintain a simple life style; along with my husband. We'd all raise a puppy when the kids were old enough to help out. This would be the 3rd dog as we had two from before we had kids. There would be meals every night at the dinner table, and my kids would brag to their friends how good of a cook their mom is. Again, laughter. So much in the house. There would be bad dancing and singing. Movie nights until the kids couldn't stand the idea of hanging out with their parents any more. No matter what thought I would be a place to go for advice, laughter, guidance, and probably money. Home is where the heart is and that would be me.
I thought my focus at this point in my life would be to build a family and a simple life that I always wanted. Honestly, because none of this has happen yet, I dont see it happening for me at all. Now, this is not to say it isnt going to happen. However, this means that it cannot be my plans anymore. I don't have the family I did before because of healthy boundaries I needed to set. I don't see anyone wanting to marry me because I am a little fucked up in the head and hard to love. I spend more time alone, than I do with people. And now... my job is my life because I don't have anything else to focus on. So, where do I go from here? Do I create career goals and work on those? Plan to travel, to see the world? Collect more cats and maybe more dogs? The fact that I am so lonely and I dont know where to begin this new re-imagined point of my life, makes me want to cry.
No matter what this life has in store for me... I will make sure its lived with a lot of love, laughter and the appreciation for the simple things in life.
I'm 8 years old. I'm cleaning my room and playing while I do it. It's taking me too long is what she says. She comes bursting in angry. I don't know why she is so angry, I'm cleaning like she asked and I'm leaving her alone. She rips everything down from my closet and throws it around. Takes out my dresser drawers and dumps them on the ground. Everything is happening so quickly, and so loud. I'm begging her to stop... and I'm sorry for taking so long. I start to cry. She is mad that I'm crying because I brought this on myself. She gets really close to me and I flinch as she grabs my shoulder and shakes me. She says to me through clenched teeth, " Do I need to give you a reason to cry!?". This scares me, and I say no but start to cry harder. She continues to trash the bedroom and saying that she is going to throw all my stuff away so this can't happen again. I'm still crying, I just want her to stop. She is REALLY angry now since I won't stop crying. She grabs me by my ponytail, yanks me and throws me down on my bed. I hurry and crawl into the fetal position because I know what is going to happen. She hits me and keeps hitting me. She doesn't stop hitting me until her boyfriend at the time tells her that is enough. She then leaves the room and I lay there trying to stop myself from crying. I need to get up and hurry to get this room cleaned before she gets mad again.
I'm 10 years old and its summer time. I'm grounded for some reason again, although I can quite remember why. I'm bored and its too quite in the house. All I am doing is starring at my very white walls thinking. Thinking it would be okay to ask my mom if I could go out and play. Not to sit in the house. She is always telling me that I'm not active enough. I decided to be daring.. I went downstairs to my mom's room and asked. The thing I did wrong, then thing I miscalculated would be her reaction. I could never seem to get that right. I woke her up from her nap to ask... that was a HUGE mistake. She told me no, and then I went back up to my room. 5 minutes later I could hear the foot stepped pounding down the hall. She came bursting into my room screaming. "HOW DARE YOU WAKE ME UP TO ASK ME TO GO OUTSIDE WHEN YOU KNOW YOU'RE FUCKING GROUNDED!!!". I backed up on to my bed bracing myself for what was going to come next. She had a spatula in her hand and while she was screaming she raised it to hit me. I quickly got in the fetal position; trying to bring my legs and arms as close to my body as possible while protecting my head. Anticipating the impact. She struck me several times, all while I begged her to please stop and saying that I was sorry. I was always sorry... I had huge welts on my thighs for days. I tried telling the school what was going on. Instead of calling CPS, they called my mom. I went home to a very angry mom, two brother that were shocked that I had the balls to say anything, and a lot of yelling. I was an ungrateful piece of shit and I needed to go live with my father if it was so bad living with her. Being abused is being locked in a closet with no food, and being burned with a curling iron. I was simply just properly punished in her eyes. This was the first time I was "kicked out".
I'm 13, everything hurts. All I want to do is cry and I can't seem to face the world. It feels good to get release while I run the scissors across my wrists and cry. This is pain I know I am feeling, this is a pain that is real. Afterwards, I lay in bed. I can't bring myself to go to school.
I'm 15 years old and on the front porch of my childhood home. I'm not allowed to come in. I have a bag of clothes next to me and I'm waiting for my dad to come pick me up. She's screaming, she is always mad about something. I'm trying not to cry because I don't want to get it. She is screaming at me that I am ruining her marriage and that I am causing her unhappiness. This is the first time I remember feeling like I wanted to die. I was a good for nothing piece of shit like she told me I was. I was ungrateful, a brat, and an over eater. No one wanted me around...
I'm 16 years old, it's a school morning. I am sound asleep when all of a sudden I am woken up by my door bursting open, and my lamp being thrown against the wall. My immediate reaction is to scream. I scream so loud my vocal cords hurt and I am shaking I'm so scared. It's my mom. She is mad because I didn't make her coffee for her before I went to bed. She specifically asked me to get it ready for her in the morning, and I told her I would in a little. I completely forgot and went to bed. She is mad because she asked me to do that ONE thing and I forgot. I always forget. Now, she didn't have a pot of coffee to wake up to.
I'm 17 years old. My mom and I aren't getting along. I don't remember what we were fighting about but it was something. I had a school play I was going to be apart of, and she said I could do it any more. I agreed with her, but knowing that I was going to disobey her. She saw that I had a bigger bag than normal and my curling iron in my hand. I don't remember the escalation, but she had told me to put the curling iron back in the house and I said no. She went to go snatch it out of my hand, while doing so poured her coffee halfway down my body and hit me in the head with the curling iron 3 times. I of course stayed home from school, but she said I wouldn't go to school again. She would withhold me from going because school was a privilege. I told her she couldn't keep it from me. A week later... I moved out for the first time. That was the first time in a long time I felt free.
I'm 26 years old. My mom and I are fighting because I won't watch her difficult misbehaved dogs while her and my stepdad make a trip down to Florida. One they can't afford. She asked me to watch them, but it was a redundant question. I lived with them and didn't pay rent. I OWED it to them do it. If I chose not to, I would have to pay rent so they could board the dogs for their trip. Either way I was forced into an uncomfortable situation. So I decided that I was going to move out. This made my mom and stepdad VERY unhappy. My last night there, I was corned in the upstairs hallway by her. I had just gotten home, and she came stomping upstairs. She corned me so I could leave, that I was forced to hear what she had to say. She had her finger pointed at me and she was talking through her teeth. I don't remember what was said to me exactly but it was something along the lines of being an ungrateful bitch. I was terrified that she was going to hit me. When she was done yelling at me, I went in my room and cried hysterically. I knew I needed to get out and never come back. The next day I moved out. And guess what.... they found someone to watch the dogs without my help and money.
I'm 26 years old, in my very own apartment. I think I am in love but with a man who has some problems. He drinks, a lot. And he is crazy possessive and jealous. He has been accusing me of sleeping with all my male friends, or wanting to. He tells me that he doesn't like big girls and that I need to lose weight. He follows me EVERYWHERE... I just need to get away. He was drinking again, and I needed some space to think. So I decided to take a shower. I forgot to lock the door and here he comes in the shower while I'm washing my hair. He thinks its cute, but he's invading my space. I don't get mad or upset, because I don't want him to freak out. I would like a peaceful night of sleep. Some time later, we are having a good night and we are both having a drink. I have to use the bathroom and he thought it would be cute to say lets go together. I immediately get weirded out because he keeps doing stuff like this. I tell him no as calmly as possibly. luckily he just laughs it off and it doesn't turn into an escalated matter. I can't seem to shake him. Him following me or wanting to be around me. He texts me several times a day while I'm at work. If I don't answer, then he gets angry. If he gets angry, He drinks. And then its a shit show when I get home. I can't seem to shake him. I need to get out and I need to get away. I have my friend fake an emergency so I can get out and get away. I worry that he will follow. I feel trapped....