At 30 years of age, I never thought this is what my life would be. I would be lying too if I said I wasn't disappointed. It's hard to go from seeing a certain type of future for yourself, to re-imagining in real time. The life I live right now is by no means not good, it's just not what I thought it would be.
When I was younger I had an optimistic outlook on life and what my future had in store. I thought by the time I was 30 I would be in a different place in my life. Now... not necessarily better, but definitely different. I thought I would have been married by now, or at least engaged. In my mind it always played out that I would get married after having kids and doing things backwards. The guy I would be married too would know my past and be compassionate and understanding of it. He would be my partner, and make sure every day I knew I didn't have to live life alone. It was always somewhere in my mind that the person I was with would be just as imperfect as I was. But, with us being together we would love and support each other at being the best versions of ourselves. I wanted to grow with the person I spent the rest of my life with. There would have to be lots of laughter too. So much that my stomach would hurt and even when I wanted to cry all I would do is smile.
I would have been a young mom starting off having kids in my early 20s and they all be fairly close in age. So by the time 30 hit I would at least have them all potty trained. my kids would have his stubbornness and carefree attitude. The would have my heart and creativity. They would be raised to love animals and nature, and to enjoy the simple things in life.
I would have my own house in a quiet neighborhood. My house would be 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms with a porch, and a big back yard. There would be so many windows in the house that I would complain about having to cleaning them. Everything would be soft and inviting. When people would come over it would feel like home, and people would be over all the time. We would host BBQs and dinner parties. Friends would bring their kids over to play with our kids. There would be holidays at the house were I would be stressed out for agreeing to host and sweat from cooking. But at the end of the day feel really grateful that I have an amazing family. I had even pictured my siblings and parents being in this picture.
Although I am a hard worker, I never imagined myself as a "career" woman. My life would matter more than my job. And I would make just enough money where we would maintain a simple life style; along with my husband. We'd all raise a puppy when the kids were old enough to help out. This would be the 3rd dog as we had two from before we had kids. There would be meals every night at the dinner table, and my kids would brag to their friends how good of a cook their mom is. Again, laughter. So much in the house. There would be bad dancing and singing. Movie nights until the kids couldn't stand the idea of hanging out with their parents any more. No matter what thought I would be a place to go for advice, laughter, guidance, and probably money. Home is where the heart is and that would be me.
I thought my focus at this point in my life would be to build a family and a simple life that I always wanted. Honestly, because none of this has happen yet, I dont see it happening for me at all. Now, this is not to say it isnt going to happen. However, this means that it cannot be my plans anymore. I don't have the family I did before because of healthy boundaries I needed to set. I don't see anyone wanting to marry me because I am a little fucked up in the head and hard to love. I spend more time alone, than I do with people. And now... my job is my life because I don't have anything else to focus on. So, where do I go from here? Do I create career goals and work on those? Plan to travel, to see the world? Collect more cats and maybe more dogs? The fact that I am so lonely and I dont know where to begin this new re-imagined point of my life, makes me want to cry.
No matter what this life has in store for me... I will make sure its lived with a lot of love, laughter and the appreciation for the simple things in life.