You keep a lot to yourself because it's difficult to find people who understand.
I have been going through a lot of emotions lately. Which has lead me to believe that, although I am incredibly sad, I am healing.
Life just doesn't happen to me. More often than not I get the shit end of the stick because its a consequence of a choice I made. I own my actions, and I do know better. I am currently faced with a world of hardship. Stuff I have put off for too long has finally come to haunt me. And just as the cards are normally dealt.... everything is hitting all at once. On top of that I am trying to juggle emotional stress and healing from some past issues and lingering PTSD. Put it in a big ol' pot and you have one fucked up stew that is my mind. There are some days I want to blame the world for what is happening to me. "Why me!?". There are some days where I feel like a failure and there is no getting out of the hole I have dug; so I might as well give up. There are other days were I am hopeless, lost, and heart broken searching for guidance on how to fix what I have broken.
Right now, I feel like I'm stuck in the hopeless, lost and heart broken. I need to fix things. I need to come up with a plan. A plan that is going to need to include a lot of struggle and hard choices. Honestly, I really need a shoulder to cry on, arms to wrap around me to tell me it will be ok, and someone to tell me what I can do to fix it. Really, I need my mom. She was that person for me. She would always be able to tell when I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She always knew when I REALLY needed a hug. Unfortunately, I have had to set healthy boundaries and make the choice not to have my mother a part of my life. I'm starting to regret that choice out of pure selfishness. Because right now, that little bit of good she did for me is what I really need. The reality is though, it doesnt change anything and it doesn't mean I can allow a toxic relationship back into my life just because I am at a low. Just because I had to make this choice doesnt make her any less my mother, or make it not hurt.
I have to learn something new... I have to learn to deal with it on my own. I have to figure it out, and find places of support that almost feel like some of those pieces of her are still around. Digging up the strength I know I have in me, and my driven mind set isn't easy. That woman allowed herself to be buried under her anxiety and depression. Resurrecting that woman I once was has been incredibly difficult.
Brittany, you have always been fearful of the unknown. Hesitant of taking a leap because of the possible outcome. But you never let that fear get in the way of jumping. Did you have anxiety, and doubts? Absolutely! The inner voice cheering you on was always louder than those fears. Somehow... no matter what you faced, you over came what you were going through. Not only did you achieve your goals but there was always added rewards.
You were working at the daycare full time and took on a 2nd job at subway to afford the new used car you just bought. Your first big girl car payment. 2 months after working at subway, you decided to quit your job at the daycare and go back to school. Shortly after quitting the daycare, you were faced with a choice as you were offered a management position at subway. YOU. After 3 months of working there. You decided to take the opportunity as the opportunities and benefits that came with it seems so great at the time. After 6 months of working for Subway, and 3 months of managing you were offered a position at another store. One that was on the verge of being shut down due to failed inspections. You took that store and you turned it around. Made it into what it could be. You continued to bust your ass, working 60-80 hours a week, and were offered a position as a general manager after a little over a year of working there. In the short time there you had advanced and accomplished so much. You had so much potential. Although the position felt like a great accomplishment, it didn't offer you the money you were looking for and you continued to work too many hours. You were tired. You needed to find your way out. Somehow, an opportunity opened up for a position to be an office manager for an internal medicine doctors office. So you quit subway and went there, never having experience in that field before. You NAILED it. You learned how to do just about everything. Run the office clinical and clerical, since it was just you and the doctors. However, this job didnt pay enough money and you were evicted from your apartment. So you decided, to get back on your feet you would go BACK to subway. It was easy because the shifts were opposite. Then all of a sudden you found yourself working two full time jobs to try and get back ahead. 9am-5pm doctors office, get to where you were staying and hopefully fall asleep by 6. Wake up and work subway from 10pm-6am. Go back to where you were staying, take a two hour nap, quick shower, throw on scrubs and then back to the office. You were tired and needed a different opportunity. Something with benefits. So you decided to quit the doctors office; with no other job lined up. You knew you needed to find something more. Luck behold, the person you were training to take your place told you about a place she came from called "Five Brothers". When she spoke about the job, the money and the benefits you decided "why not" and applied. You got the job!!! Now you have your very own big girl health insurance you are paying for, you are making good money, and it seems there is potential within the company. During the call you were told you are working in the Grass department, but you heard graph. That would just be silly if they had a grass department. Nope, they were right. Your training was a learn as you go kind of deal, but you nailed it. In fact, you did so well that after the grass season ended they asked you to be the official "trainer" and write a new manual. You did it.. less than a year into the job and you were prompted. The following year after the beginning of the grass season, and after the group was trained, you decided it was time to seek out other opportunities within the company. There was a conflict of interest with some superiors and it was ideal if you removed yourself from the position. From there you were transferred to another department. The position was deemed the hardest in the company. Only the best of the best could do it and you were so excited to learn something new. You learned it. During the process a wonderful opportunity to be the trainers assistant presented itself and I snatched it up! This eventually lead me into becoming a trainer myself; as it was decided more than one was needed. I helped with training material and also assisted in making the system the company uses more user friendly, for faster processing. Unfortunately, due to where the economy is at right now, there were no more people to train. So, for the first time ever you had to do the job you were training others to do. You NAILED it. You have accomplished so much life wise and career wise over the last 13 years. (BTW can you put this stuff on a resume because DAMN)
I need this. Here. To read over and over again. To remind myself what I have faced before. Where I was and where I am now. Although I am facing yet another hard phase in my life, I need to remember my strength and tenacity. I've got this. Think, collect my thoughts and make a plan.