"One of the greatest journeys in life is overcoming insecurity and learning to truly no give a shit"
I have failed myself...
Growing up, like most kids, I was bullied. Go figure... Kid in the 90s. Who would have thought. For me, I was bullied about my weight and being a "goody-goody". I was even "bullied" at home; that is a story for another day. It was difficult for me to understand why kids were so mean to me. What about me made me a target? I so bad wanted to be liked by everyone but I still wanted to be my unique self. In the process of this, I developed an unhealthy coping mechanism. No one could make fun of me and put me down if I beat them to the punch line. There it was! A genius move by Miss. Brittany Sergent. Not only could my feelings not be hurt but I could make people like me by making them laugh. What I didn't realize was in the process I started to ruin how I saw myself. I saw myself as the DUFF. Because I accepted that as who I was, that was who I became. I never thought more of myself. This was perceived as being confident in who I was. When really, I was just being complacent and not loving myself the way I should. With that came an eating disorder, depression and anxiety.
When I had bariatric surgery to lose the necessary weight I needed to in order to be "healthy", I started to see the woman I felt on the inside. You know, that diva who is so sure of herself scratching to get out. Only few people actually walk the earth as that person. But for me, she was being born. I had promised myself that I would never talk about myself in a negative way again. Yes, I am different. But that did not make me any less wonderful. It has been years since my surgery and like most patients I have gained some of the weight back. Due to unfavorable influences from a past relationship, my unhealthy image came back... I failed myself because I broke my promise. On a daily basis I consistently put myself down in a humorous manner. And the only reason is because I am insecure again. I lost the diva I once had and I want that bitch back!
Going forward I'm going to work on building myself up instead of knocking myself down. Taking the extra time to feel beautiful just for me. Be proud of accomplishments instead of focusing on failures. I'm also going to work towards making myself fully into the woman I am on the inside.
Thankfully, I am in a loving relationship with a man that tells me how beautiful I am even when I just wake up. You know, when you have the world's worst bedhead, eyeliner down your face, and for me... missing half of an eyebrow. I want to see myself through his eyes and love myself like that.
I implore others to love themselves a little more as well and help others build themselves up. Let all insecurities die within us because they no longer have a place in this world. You have one life and one body...make the most of it. ♥