The Masquerade...

Truth be told I am pretty good at acting like I have my shit together, when really I am falling a part. Or maybe I am making that up, and only think that I do...

I talk a lot about loosing who I was somewhere along the way. The parts of me that made me who I am. I didn't realize how much of an impact simple things had on me and my life. That was until I took an assessment of my life, where I was and where I wanted to end up. I gave into the darkness and depression. I was naive to believe that with therapy and other treatment, that one day I wouldn't be so sad. And on this day, I would pick up where I left off. But that wasn't the case. My depression became my normally, and my good days became more and more rare. The ugly truth of it all, is I didn't give a shit about me. Not in the same ways I had before. I stopped showering as often, and went 3-4 days before I could even find the motivation. I used to be the kind of person that showered every morning and put myself together. So, to go that long and no care.. well, that just wasnt me. I am a firm believer when you look good, you feel good. Its like putting good vibes out into the world. You put good vibes out into the world, you will get them back in return. Karma doesn't always have to be negative. 

At what point did I stop caring about me. Here I am trying to work on fixing the broken parts of me, but then breaking new ones. An endless cycle I am creating. I want to be happy. I won't stop until I find it. 

This past week I pushed myself to get up every morning, and get me together like I used to. This meant getting up at 4:30-5 in the morning, showering, creamy pretty scented lotion, cute hair, and a damn near perfect face of makeup. It was my goal to push myself to do that every day. I am not going to lie the first few days were difficult. I had the mentally of "who really gives a fuck how I look". Also, I thought more sleep would help my mental state. 

I did it. Every single morning I got up, showered, got ready and went to work. By Thursday morning it felt like a normal routine and by Friday I actually felt happy. A feeling I haven't truly felt in a long time. Even people at work were noticing the difference in my moods and how I was taking care of myself. I'm known for my makeup talents, but because it was more consistent, I got more compliments. It was like therapy and a confidence boost all in one. 

Because of this week, and because of how I got that glimpse back of happy... I'm going to do it on a regular basis. Get back to my normal routine. I matter and I need to realize that. Taking care of me first is what matters most right now. From there I can build. Build into meal prep and work out routine so I can also get back down to my happiest weight. 

I feel good. For the first time, at the end of a really shitty year, I have hope that my sadness and depression is going to get the boot. 

Below are selfies I took every day of my work week. 
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