This One Is For Me...

This one is for me... well, in reality they all are because I don't know anyone who really "follows" this blog. It's not the reason I started it, and it's not going to be the reason I continue it. 

I haven't wrote anything in awhile, or at least nothing heart felt and therapeutic. I've been going through some things. It's as simple and as complicated as that. Everyone asks me "what's going on?" or "what happened?" or "is there anything I can do?". It's always the same answer... I don't know. I can't make heads or tails of why I feel the way I feel. Each day is different and it's always something new that triggers me. Honestly, because I can't seem to figure it out, and I feel like I owe an explanation, I want to hide. I want to lock myself away from the rest of the world because I can't bear to face it. I'm not a dishonest person and I hate that I can never given anyone an explanation on what is wrong. I believe the fact that I can't actually hide from the world makes it worse. But... there are bills to pay and people that "need" me. 

I used to take a lot of selfies...well I still do. But in the past I would have a great big smile that you could see in my eyes. Now, they are normally forced and few and far between. 

More so recently, I have had an overwhelming feeling of being unloved. I'm not the version of me that they want to love, so I get pushed aside. In my 30 years of living, I know that is not really true but the feeling is very real. Unfortunately, more often than not it has been a reality of mine. The people that were supposed to show me and teach me unconditional love, instead taught me that love comes with a price and stipulations. If you aren't will to pay the price or play by the rules then you are no longer a factor. I have begged and pleaded my whole life for someone to love me for who I am, as I am. I even asked the woman in the mirror. You hear and read all the time, "If you want others to love you, you must first learn to love yourself". What if in the same token, you don't love yourself because you haven't been shown you're worthy of such love? These are thought that are always on my mind. 

I wake up every morning and I don't want to exist. It takes every single ounce of strength I have to get up, shower, put myself together, and put on a brave face for the world to see. It takes even MORE out of me when it's asked of me to do social activities. If I didn't have to show my face to the world, then I wouldn't be such a disappointment. 

Why am I not enough to be loved as a daughter? The unconditional type of love. The one that makes someone feel protected and safe. Instead, all love came with conditions. If I didn't meet the expectations there were consequence. No protection. No safe space. Why am I not enough to be loved as a partner? The kind of love that makes you feel complete/whole and like you can take on the world. Instead, I have been second best in past attempts. Many nights alone. Or me fighting the world, with them rooting behind me. Why am I not enough to be loved as a friend? The kind of love that is a never ending with the deepest and longest memories. Instead, my friendship wasn't what was wanted or needed, and I was easy to walk away from. 

Now, this does not hold true for everything in my life. Just most of it. 

Unless I have something to offer, or I can be a certain type of person, I am not worthy of love. Love is used as a weapon against me as the consequences for my actions; or lack there of. That is what I have been taught by my experiences. I wish I had someone to remind me throughout my life "you is kind. you is smart. you is important". That is funny and seems silly, but it's so true. Or even a time machine so I can tell my younger self all of that. One day, and hopefully soon, maybe I will be able to write a letter to my younger self and tell her it's all worth it. That she was worth it. 

Right now... I don't feel that way. I hang on because that's what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not supposed to feel like giving up on the world and throwing in the towel. I'm supposed to fight because it will get better blah blah blah. It's probably true but the sad version of Brittany doesn't give a shit. Ha! 

If you ask me if I'm ok, I'm going to give you a polite short answer or not say anything at all. I don't know how to answer that question. I understand there isn't anything anyone can do, or if there is I haven't figured it out yet. Just know, I get up every morning and fight another day. Some are better than others. Today, and more days as of recent, happens to be one of the tougher ones. Talking about it (actually writing about it) helps and frees me from my cage that is my dark mind. Hopefully one day soon I can write about something something happy.